Siblings

I come from two large blended families. My parents divorced when I was young. Each have remarried a couple of times. Many times when people ask how many siblings I have they are shocked that I actually have to stop and count on my fingers. Here are my siblings in no particular order......they are all very dear to me, and I love each and every one of them.

This is my sister Karrie. We were on the cog railroad on the way up to the top of Pikes Peak on her birthday this summer when this was taken. She is the mommy to two, my nephew, Alex who is seated next to her and my niece Marina who is just a month younger than my Meghan. Karrie is not afraid to speak her mind....so be sure you really want to know before you ask.


This is one of my "baby" brothers...I am the oldest so they are all "baby" to me....Bobby. Bobby is soft spoken, but when you have to compete with louder sisters, can you blame the guy. Bobby gives the best hugs! This was taken Christmas 2006 when I was home.
This picture actually has two of my brothers...but the one in the Santa hat is my brother JC. This was Christmas 1992. JC is my brother that is no longer with us, he died Christmas Eve of 2004. He is greatly missed. I chose this picture because it shows the JC I choose to remember, the JC full of joy and life.
This picture has my brothers Jacob(right) and no kidding baby brother Westly(left). There are eighteen years between Westly and I. My brother Jacob doesn't have a lot to say, but when he does say it you better not have to go pee because you will bust a gut. He is a daddy to twins, and a very good one at that! I am so proud of him. Westly is a sophmore in High School this year, I can not believe how fast he has grown up. He loves to play football, unfortunately I have never had the chance to go to a game as I have always lived so far away. I hear he is awesome....to be honest just looking at him one can tell why. He is a typical islander, not a force to mess with. If I was across from him in a line up on the field, I would just lay down and BEG him not to tackle me.
This is the "Love Birds". They were married this last June and are expecting a baby boy in April. Tiffany is my sister and Luke is my brother-in-law. Both are quiet, but can be expressive when need be. I love Tiffany's dedication to our family. I know the transition into a blended family hasn't been easy....but she would be there in a heart beat if needed.

This is Boo...aka Becky. She hates having her picture taken. Even though there are eight and a half years separating us we have been confused as twins. Heck I have even been accused of being her mother! I am old, but not THAT old. Boo is one who truly knows what our family is all about, we dont't have much, but what we have plenty of is love.

This is my baby sister, Cassie. She is sweet and sour....but I love sweet and sour. She is intelligent, funny, sassy, and sometimes even a bit growly. Spending time with her is so much fun, especially when she gets you laughing, just don't cross her growly side. Cassie is also a Boo, so my family is blessed with two Boo's.

The beautiful girl in the middle is my sister Evlyn. Westly is on her left and Jacob on her right. This was taken at her high school graduation. In the last few years I haven't had much interaction with her as life has taken us down two very different paths, but she is always on my thoughts and mind. We shared a room from the time she joined our family when I was 13 until I moved out to go to college. Many a night we whispered and giggled long after we were told to, "shut-up and go to sleep."

Not pictured is one more sister that was never born, Savannah Rose died inutero after a bad amniocentisis. While we never got to meet her in person we felt like we knew her and her loss rocked our family to the core. Also not pictured are the two sons of my mother's husband, Kevin. They have been married for 5 years now and I have yet to meet them. In my world there are siblings that some might call "half" or "step", but in my heart there is no "half" or "step", only brother or sister. So when you ask how many siblings I have, I have six sisters and six brothers.

He would have been....

J.C. would have been 27 today. I really miss him. Sure being a military family I would never get to spend as much time as I wanted with him, or the rest of my family for that matter...but knowing that you are not able to hug a loved one in this lifetime is hard.

Miss M and I sang "Happy Birthday" to uncle J.C. today. And I am certain he heard it.

Happy Birthday little brother, you are sorely missed and loved greatly.

Who'd He'd Be Today

I can't help but wonder who my brother JC would be today if he were still here with us. Would he be married to his sweetheart? Would there be more children on the way? There are a few things I do know. He would be living life up to the fullest, he would still be one of the greatest brothers around, he would be excited for our new arrival, and he would still be the greatest daddy in the world to Ty. The pain of his death isn't as sharp as it was two years ago, but it is still there. I know I will see him again someday, but that doesn't make missing him any easier.

Grief

It has been four weeks since the death of my brother. Some days go on as if it had never happened, yet there are days, moments that pain of it all is still too real and fresh.

I have all of these "I wonder if's". Maybe it would help to get them out into the fresh air.

I wonder if....

• J.C. really wanted to leave this life. Or was it truly an accident.
• Although the physical pain of his life is gone, when he looks down on us...does it hurt to see what he left behind?
• He knew how much he was loved.
• Our childhood had been different, would he have been a different man.
• We will ever be able to convey to Ty just how much his daddy loved him.

Death of a Sibling

Nothing can prepare you for when you get the news. It knocks you down like a cold stiff wind, and takes a chunk of your heart.

On Christmas morning we where having a typical lazy "Wheeler morning". Hero had gone up to take a shower and I was laying on the loveseat channel surfing, when there was a loud knock at the door. When I answered it, there stood our squadron's first shirt "Tank". His face told me that he was the bearer of bad news, still I just thought someone was in need and needed to get food from the pantry. He could barely get out the words that he needed to come in and talk to me and that he had a Red Cross message for me. I instantly knew this was horrible news from home. Tank said that it was one on my brothers, immediately I began to sob and ask over and over, "Which one?"

At the sound of my crying Hero came down the stairs and swooped me into his arms. Still I was sobbing and asking, "Which one?" Tank asked me for the names of my brothers, and I told him that I have a Bobby, JC, Jacob and Westly. The names I had said were not on his list so he and Hero went into the kitchen to confer. Then Hero returned, again taking me in his arms and whispered in my ear, "It is Joshua."

Falling to the floor I began to cry, "He's too young!" over and over again.

After I regained some composure, Tank expressed his sympathy and asked if we wanted to go home. I nodded my head yes while still trying to grasp the concept of my brother's death. After taking some information from us, Tank left and said that he would call as soon as he had our flight arrangements.

My first call was to my mother, I had to know how. The only news she had for me was that my brother had been drinking, cleaning a gun and accidentally shot himself. We didn't talk long, it was 1am her time and she was exhausted. I told her that we were on our way home and that I would call her back later that evening when I knew when we would be flying in.

The shock of this dreadful news sent me into a mode somewhat like auto-pilot. I was mindlessly throwing clothes into piles to be washed, sending emails to friends to let them know, and making arrangements for a friend to come over and feed our cat, Gibbon while we were out. We kept our dinner engagement at Hero's aunt's house, but I am afraid I was not the best of company.

The next day we flew out of London Heathrow to go home to Portland, Oregon. That day and the following week seem a blur to me. I tried my hardest to put up a strong front, to help in any way I could to do what was needed.

Now I am home and I can put away my armor and be vulnerable again. Now my grieving begins. My brother left so many unanswered questions. What was he thinking? Why did he have a gun? The medical examiner and detectives have ruled his death an accident, but something in my heart tells me this was no accident. It hurts to admit that this may have been something he chose to do, did he chose to take his life? That is the biggest question on my heart. All of these questions will not be answered in my life time, I will just have to find the courage to set them aside. I am haunted by the longevity of the short term decisions my brother made. He made the decision to drink, and he made the decision to be in control of a gun while he was drinking. Neither of which go together.

JC, I miss you and love you. Hang tight where you are at; one day we will be reunited again as a family. I'd like to be here as long as possible, so you may have to wait an awful long time. But you can count on a long conversation on timing when I get there. Until then....Peace out and "I love you man!"